Must be fall

Every fall I find I am stricken with an "Examine my life" phase.. were I start to shake things up , and re-prioritize. Though in itself this is not a bad thing, I find it disquieting that I end up doing it every year.. but even more , that I have to keep doing it every year...

Too much movies, not enough cleaning, too much video games not enough working... its like I'm on a natural slide to slack, and every year I notice how much. so here we go again, cutting back on the video games, stepping up on the working projects.. Its time to recommit again, and start working on some killer projects.. Im thinking that I will step up my work to a more social level, and find a way to work at home, after work, from 3 till 6 every day. I have a scheduler coming now, we will see how that helps, the living room is also a nicer space, i think we can work with that too.

we will see

Fate walks into a bar..

Fate walks in , sits down and says to you .. "We need to talk"

Your heart grows cold as the words come out... you begin to think back to all the things that may have gone wrong.. at what you could have done differently , of why you said the things you said ...

Ill admit, my last post was bold, and strong worded, but i felt that it was a necessary statement, like i had to gain control of the situation and tell fate what i really thought..

did i know better then and just experienced a teenage 'esk' lapse in judgement and rebellion? did i know that fate was really in control anyway, no matter what i said? or did i think that i was really going to get away with it?

The DAY after i made that post with the F U Fate ..
I get a phone call at 6:30 at night... congratulating me on winning the habitat for humanity house... a 500k house .. interest free mortgage ... downtown... using the latest in super green construction techniques... brand new .... mine..

Fate walks into the room, looks me in the eye and says.. aren't you glad you didn't get that mortgage?

Sometimes you get the Bear...

I barely have the energy to write a post about how little energy i have left at the end of the day... I have been busting my ass, swimming upstream and fighting the tide.. and some other useful metaphors implying that life it hard.

It doesn't have to be. I have, for years now been living on a philosophy of fate, good things will come when they are due sort of stuff. Its true you know, if you let the sands of time and the winds of fate flow, they will form you a world of natural perfection and a sense of well being throughout.

What if you want more, you hear people say "know what you want and take it", you make your own future, you build your own luck etc. etc. I'm going to take a moment to analyze these positions and maybe contrast them a little to have a better understanding.

"If something is too hard to do , maybe it isn't what you should be doing" is something that, someone i respect immensely said to me once, and she was right, if your digging hard for that 5000$ to buy a car and your begging, borrowing and stealing to get it , but you could afford the 2500$ car, you should, in most cases buy the cheap car, and save up money to buy a bigger better one, the path of least resistance. planning ahead, and a penny saved, these are all philosophies of being and states of mind that will carry a person through life comfortably, and more or less risk free (barring disasters, which everyone has and has to deal with as they come)

"If you want something, just decide, and make it happen" Sometimes the thing you want is out of reach, but you want it anyway. what then? should fate be spun another hand, and you should let go your claim? or should you take it, step on faces, piss people off, and burn bridges to get it? and more importantly, how do you tell the difference between "lifes obstacles" and "fates fickle fingers"

Is this a challenge I'm meant to overcome to grow, and learn and experience, or is this fate telling me that this is not the time... normally I would say so , but then, I'm passive aggressive by nature, and more inclined to just let nature takes its course. so that answer is easier, like the first paragraph.

But I want this, i want it hard and in a way that i dont often want things, want it like i wanted my children and my wife.. Want it like it was mine and someone stole it ...
Want it like im not going to accept your answer no matter what you think i will do ..

Want it like ... Sometimes the Bear gets you .. but this time, I'm the Bear..

Fuck You Fate!, I'll do it myself ...

The Battle

The battle was pitched, and arduous, I climbed thousand word mountain, with apathy and sloth taking pot shots at me. Once i reached the bunker on warmed up hill, with a thousand words behind me and ten thousand words ahead, my line wavered. After a quick recharge of encouragement, I leapt into the fray once more, taking first Pros pass, Then Chapter 5 hall, we were pinned down there, we pulled out for a little R & R in casa del buffy.
Before the R & R was over it was canceled by General She' Toaldmatoo and we were shipped back out to the battle of foothold bluff, where we gained ground in the advance but paid a price to high.

The Battle was not over however, at the end of the day, we had only made it half way to the enemy force in 30kWords, and the Stronghold of Editing valley.. but that is another story for another time.

Just do it!

So the time has come, i have been working on my novel for nearly a year, im through 8 of ten chapters on the first draft, and ran out of gas 3 or 4 months ago, i reached "That point" of the book (Neil Gaiman) where it all starts to read like tripe, and i cant imagine anyone could possibly want to read it .. apparently, according to Neil Gaiman, that is not only a good thing, it means im almost done.

As i predicted, i hummed, and hawwed, and worried about lighting , and moaned about blocks of time, and pissed about uninterrupted work flow.. but here i am , last day, i am making the final push to plow through the word count, editing will take care of the rest, i will start in a few minutes the process of filling out the remaining 10k words ish of the book, and turn it into a Juggernaut of literature AFTER...

The story is good, the premise is good, the story till i reached "that part" was great, so im going to suck it in... turn my body sideways and slide through ... hoping not to knock anything over.

see you on the other side, ill post when its done. :)